I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. 
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.

Some employees bought their
boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly,
and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it,
he asked, “A bottle of wine?”

His employees replied, “No.”
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid.

“A bottle of scotch?” “His employees replied again, “No.”

Finally the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?”
His workers responded, “A puppy.”

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular 
as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are 
comments purportedly made by 
patients to physicians during their procedures.

“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”

Finally a Database Administrator proposed a beautiful lady..
DBA: Will you marry me?
Lady: You are little overweight. I will accept your proposal only after you lose 10KG next week..
DBA: Not a big deal, I have truncated terabytes of databases into megabytes.
(The DBA worked hard in a gym the whole week but did not lose a KG)
DBA texts to the lady on 7th day: ALTER DATABASE COMMAND FAILED. 

Sundar Pichai is an alumnus of IIT kharagpur and now he has put India on the world map, after being promoted as CEO of the largest IT company in the world -Google.

He will now be dining with kings and presidents and as CEO will get a chance to change the world. He is probably the most influential and powerful Indian on the planet.

When his parents were interviewed and asked, how they feel at his elevation; his mother replied wistfully,

“Thoda aur mehnat ki hoti, to aaj Sarkari naukri lag jati

If Manjhi was a DBA in IT company, he would have said..
“Developer ke bharose na baithiye, kya pata Developer aapke bharose baitha ho”

Fir DBA bhi esa bolega ke
“Jab tak ye backup hoga nai tab tak ye server chodunga nai..”

After finishing up the backup
DBA will shout…
“Shandar Jabarjast Jindabad..”

Every Database Administrator will agree to this fact.
“Why Kattappa Killed Bahubali” ?
Because..
Bahubali was a developer..
AND
Kattappa was the DBA in the same organization..

Bahubali knew the “SA” password.. So, Kattappa decided to kill him instead of changing the “SA” password.. ‪

Dedicated to all Software Engineers..

Humaari shakhsiyat ka andaza tum kya lagaoge ghalib….

Guzarte hain jo hum kabristan se, toh murde bhi uth ke pooch lete hain “Woh issue resolve hua kya.??

Finally a Database Administrator proposed a beautiful lady..

DBA: Will you marry me?

Lady: You are little overweight. I will accept your proposal only after you lose 10KG next week..

DBA: Not a big deal, I have truncated terabytes of databases into megabytes.

(The DBA worked hard in a gym the whole week but did not lose a KG)

DBA texts to the lady on 7th day: ALTER DATABASE COMMAND FAILED. 

Sundar Pichai is an alumnus of IIT kharagpur and now he has put India on the world map, after being promoted as CEO of the largest IT company in the world -Google.

He will now be dining with kings and presidents and as CEO will get a chance to change the world. He is probably the most influential and powerful Indian on the planet.

When his parents were interviewed and asked, how they feel at his elevation; his mother replied wistfully,

“Thoda aur mehnat ki hoti, to aaj Sarkari naukri lag jati

Every Database Administrator will agree to this fact.
“Why Kattappa Killed Bahubali” ?
Because..
Bahubali was a developer..
AND
Kattappa was the DBA in the same organization..

Bahubali knew the “SA” password.. So, Kattappa decided to kill him instead of changing the “SA” password.

If Manjhi was a DBA in IT company, he would have said..
“Developer ke bharose na baithiye, kya pata Developer aapke bharose baitha ho”

Fir DBA bhi esa bolega ke
“Jab tak ye backup hoga nai tab tak ye server chodunga nai..

After finishing up the backup
DBA will shout…
“Shandar Jabarjast Jindabad..”

IT Employee : “हेलो बॉस, मुझे टेररिस्ट ने पकड़ लिया है…
दोनों हाथ काट दिए, आँख फोड़ दी,
किडनी निकाल ली !!!”
Boss : देख ले…. हो सके तो आजा
, आज Production Release है..

Dedicated to all Software Engineers..

Humaari shakhsiyat ka andaza tum kya lagaoge ghalib….

Guzarte hain jo hum kabristan se, toh murde bhi uth ke pooch lete hain “Woh issue resolve hua kya.??”

Manager – kya tumne source code build kiya?

Employee-

Mgr- ye kya hain?

Employee- building

BREAKING NEWS

Bill Gates has resigned as the ‘Chairman of Microsoft’ after receiving an email from Rajinikanth. It reads:

Saar,

I have some questions for you…. Please yanswer them:

Namba wan) The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version?

Namba too) There is yeh ‘Start’ button… but no ‘Stop’ button… Rascalaa, where it is?

Namba tree) I have already learned Microsoft Word, when are you “laanching” Microsoft Sentence?

Namba for) There is yeh Recycle bin… but…there is nobody coming to collect that bin. Why???

Your name is Bill… But in India they orr selling computers without Bill… Why???

Yand finally yeh personal question:
Your surname is Gates… But you are selling Windows… Why??

With Regards,
Rajinikanth

Dedicated to all office guys :

Ek boss apne employee se bola - ek din aisa aayega
ki khane ko kuch nahi hoga, pine ko pani nahi hoga, sara petrol khatm ho jayega, log ek dusre ke dushman ban jayenge, dunia me hahakar mach jayega...

One Employee - "Sir, uss din bhi office Aana hai kya"???

Gajodhar joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No", replied Gajodhar.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

Gajodhar shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No", replied the Managing Director.

"Thats Good!", replied Gajodhar and put down the phone!

New HR policy for 2016

Couldn't resist sharing
Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Leave:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Casual leave:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
 
The HR 

Boss Hangs A Poster In Office
"I Am The Boss, Do Not Forget"
He Returns From Lunch,
Finds A Slip On His Desk.
"Ur Wife Called,
She Wants Her Poster Back Home."